Messages in this thread | | | From | <> | Subject | Daily Laugh! | Date | Fri, 5 Feb 1999 17:47:04 |
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Good Morning!
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Now for today's jokes!!!!!!!!
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A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there." "$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs." "How much is that?" "$500", "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints-twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"
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Bi-semantic dictionary
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's bonnet. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women. male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.
GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business. male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing cricket without a box.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the lads.
BUM (bum) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger. male: The organ for mooning (and farting).
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: What men have to call "shagging" to get women to shag.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 minutes.
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A man walks into the butchers shop and orders a pound of sausages. The butcher turns to the man and says:
"I bet you the price of those sausages that you can't get those pieces of meat down off the shelf behind me!"
The man looks up at the shelf and says:
"I'm not betting, the steaks are too high".
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Three lawyers and three Engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three Engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So (recognizing the Engineers' superior intellect) after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a toilet. The three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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Enjoy the rest of your day and have a great weekend!
Best Wishes
Chris
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